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I might be becoming a grouchy woman. If not becoming, I am finally realizing that I am a lot more opinionated and passionate and less likely to let people push me around. Isn’t this when we start calling women bitches?

If so, then I am a bitch.

We have all probably sold our soul at some point, or at least parts of it. I worked for a few coffee/bookstore giants and it was the worst work situations I have ever had. One of the two coffee spots in New Orleans had the benefit of free coffee, whether you were working or not. They also let us snag cast out pastries at the end of the night. However, if there were pastries that were going to be tossed, they preferred that we sample them that day. Of course we did because after a few weeks of this novelty, well, the muffins don’t have as much of an appeal and the quiche really is much soggier on the 2nd day…however, I was always open to taking quiche home as it make Jinx very happy. But if I gave him a pastry I had to make sure there was one for my housemate as I felt guilty giving the dog a $3 quiche when we were eating a lot of rice and broccoli. Hard times in New Orleans…a familiar story for so many young people. But a good life experience. It still makes me sick to think about how horrible some of those days were. But much thanks to a few good friends (a particular detective, a biochemistry professor, my librarian housemate, a street painter, a haunted tour guide and a bartender) the other days were pretty eventful and enjoyable.

I am sitting at my desk on what would have been my last week of work. Part of me really wants it to be the last week. The other part has a hard time letting go because I love the work…no, maybe it isn’t that I love the work, but that I need to be doing something to feel like my life is worthwhile. I can’t sit back and enjoy my pregnancy, my marriage and my dogs, for fear that someone (anyone really) would think of me as lazy or not doing my part. I am ashamed that I make significantly less than my husband and I am not sure if I will ever make more. Is it wrong that I want to make more than him? Not to prove to him that I am better but more to show him that I am worthy and that he doesn’t have to worry, or that he doesn’t have to worry about me because I am capable of earning my keep and capable of supporting us when has already done so much for me (us). I want to be a great mother and raise well rounded and loved children. But I also want to be successful at a career and paying back my own student loans (there is no way I could do this without his help). I want to be a wonderful and loving wife. To cherish my husband in an equal partnership, to give to our marriage 100% of the time, and to encourage him to do the same. To seek a fulfilling and well rounded spiritual life. To write. Yes, I want to write. I want to produce something worth reading.

My diginity…I am not sure the exact value. I know that it is not at Starbucks or Seattle’s Best. I do love making people happy with a coffee drink, some beautiful concoction and greeting them at the beginning of their day and maybe even making their day just a little better. But the truth is, with the economy, I believe that people are probably bitter about their caffeine and sugar addiction and more likely to be really unhappy about spending their $5 on coffee and pastry…that is the value has gone down for them and they more likely to take it out on the one serving them. I don’t want to be on the receiving end of someone’s anger. I am not too far removed from this ….this being my first full-time career experience, which was horrible and landed me with a lot of anxiety and sadness about the work world and those bullies in it. My dignity is worth more than someone stomping their muddy shoes in my office in the hope that might would make right. It doesn’t.

And here. What do I want here? Why do I become so invested in something that is not invested in me?

I was in my college town over the weekend and met with a good friend, the professor. Loyalty, how can I have it for a company that finds my work value less than that of an older woman who can’t even type correctly and take 8 hours to write a newsletter that I then have to rewrite? The same woman closes the door to her office to call a board member, while I am home sick, and the new hire is in her own office…but closes the door? Yes, she closes the door and requests that the board come to the office to fill out the Scope of Work. Ridiculous!!! The last two times they have filled it out, I spent 3 hours each time making corrections after the State of Oregon called requesting the corrections. And they can’t even save the file to correct location so they lose half the documents and then spend hours looking for them and after such search, ask me to find them.

How can I be loyal to this?

Do I love a paycheck that much?

Yes, I do. But how much? I came here to do what I did. I got them out of hot water with the State of Oregon, I have requested over $250,000 in funds and managed over $500,000 worth the grants. I could still spend another 2 months managing these grants and will likely be called often by the new hire. I am good at directing her what to do, without being a controlling supervisor and I am proud of that because I can see her learning and I feel that this is the way training goes. She does what I ask and she takes care of things as they come to her desk. She really is great for this office and I want to see her first job out of college be a success and to be enjoyable….unlike my own. However, had I not had my experience, there is no way I would know how to NOT manage her. I am as hands off as I can be, but always only a phone call away. I am not a perfect “boss” I am sure. But I refuse to her sell her dignity for anything less than a person is worth. And in a job like this….well, you can be treated pretty poorly by people how are making decisions with money that isn’t theirs but really belongs to the local community for conservation. But explaining is like telling a child not to play with fire…you have just given that child to do exactly that!

I have two projects to complete before I leave for my next trip to Kuwait. Somehow, I think I need to arrange for my leaving. Same with my rental situation. Somehow, I need to arrange my packing and moving. I guess I hate leaving. The feeling of abandonment after you have become attached. How do we become so attached that we are willing to sell our dignity to remain in a situation where we are valued if only our selling price is much lower than fair market value? I am not talking about what YOU think your value is, but really, more about the value of a human being. The value of human dignity.

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